| (no subject) |
[Feb. 10th, 2010|03:12 am] |
so confused on everything. ape is saying that we are getting back together. it's amazing how much of my life i put on her. i just got off the phone with her and it's 3 in the morning. i can't tell you how long it's been since i've done that. shits weird lol i'm 21 years old. ohwell. i didn't get to see her tonight. but i guess i got all day tomorrow. shes not feelin too good anyways. it's so hard to say good bye to her. i just never want to do it. fuck. anywho i need to get some sleep. tomorrow is key right? lol
fuck i needa call zack soon too. my band has to be worried about me :) lmao |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 7th, 2010|01:06 pm] |
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shit just got way wierd. april broke up with devin last night. and she wants me back. shits going to be really hard if we do this because i have to prove to her parents that its legit. i'm excited but really nervous at the same time. i just want things to go back to normal. it feels like its happening. just dont know what to do with myself right now though. my parents are going to be in florida all week so maybe i can get her to come over and see what happens. i really want this to happen. all the other girls i been giving a chance just dont compare. she really is the best its going to get for me ever. i guess her mom really isn't liking this at all. she says if we end up getting married that i'm gonna end up doing something worse and hurting her more. shits not happening again. not after this. i jus wanna see her now but shes at work and she has to go talk to devin some more i guess about why shes doing this. ugh. i hate being sick |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 1st, 2010|06:49 pm] |
last night was pretty awesome. made it the whole night through not drinking too :)
some girl prospects too i guess :)
i got to drive up on the way for eric and sam rode up with us. we got all super blazed on the way up. and we stopped for food and got lost a few times lmao. alex eric and sam got super trashed. it was fun to watch them lol. i drank a ton of water and smoked a bunch. it was way crowded at jacksons last night. it was deffinitely poppin off. alex and erika kept tryin to get me to be emmas new year kiss. they made shit really awkward so nothing happened haha. we left at like 1 am because johnny called and said he wanted to meet up. so me sam erika alex and emma headed back down to lakewood and then johnny and hill bailed on us. so we just went back to the apartment. zack and mcconnel called me and al at like 3 am asking for a ride because they were all spun from the sts9 show. so i drove alex's car down to the inn downtown to pick them up. and zack and i stayed up till like 6 smoking. i woke up and eric and zack woke up and we smoked again all day.
love my friends lmao
HAPPY NEW YEARS
anywho my ride is fixed. so i'm ready for monday. fuck i can't wait to get back to work. january is going to be a good month. bust my ass to get this job, my birthday is in 10 days, orientation for school in 11 days, my bday party at zack and alex's on the 16th which is also i believe my first day of school.
LETS GET THIS SHIT GOIN haha |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 31st, 2009|04:35 pm] |
tonights gonna be rough. so much for the anniversary. i lost.
alex is coming to pick me up soon so i can be dd for his girl and emma. shits lame. i dont even know why i'm dd'ing for alex especially since he really hurt my shit a couple weeks ago. i think he's just trying to buy me for tonight. he got online last night and said he was proud of me. he's a lil queen sometimes. he belongs on a show like the oc lmao
i wanted to kick it with sam or johnny but i guess i'm kinda limited right now. damn hoes want me to kick it with them tonight too. but eck.
anywho we're keeping the same name for our band. i'm stoked to get this shit rolling again. i'm just going to do the vox and drums by myself until i find another drummer. russ said he was down to do lead, and i just talked to jack like 2 hours ago and he's gonna be rythym. just needa bass player. fuck this year is going to be crazy, school, work and band. it'l be good for me to be so motivated. i got enough emotion now to blow some fire through this fucking mic. should lead to some fun times.
i'm not drinking tonight. it's gonna be hard but i can do it. i've been doing and i'm going to continue doing it.
i was doin pretty good all day just trying to get notes and beats in my head. and i was pretty happy writin shit. but now that i stopped to get ready soon, it's kickin my brain and my ass right now. i'm so sick of this feeling. FUCK THIS IS HARD.
i am me and thats all i have |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 30th, 2009|03:33 pm] |
what a night that was. so yesterday was amy slagers bday. so me and megan got her a balloon, cake, some random shit and made her cards. got to be dd again. we went to erin bergs for her party. i saw kyle delaney, shane lissak, russ, trevor, dom and a shit ton of my old friends. it was really good to see kyle, shane and russ. seriously haven't seen them in about 3 years. they're all happy for me to have quit drinking. and it was actually pretty fun jus kickin it. everyone was shocked to see me drinking virgin coke lmao. everything went well until megan had too much. at first i thought she was just joking around but she blacked out and acted a fool to everyone. and yeah thats what now, like 8 of my friends now i've had to personally take care of because i'm the only sober person there. the more and more this shit happens the more happy i am to not be drinking right now. she ended up puking on herself and i had to try to get her outta there. i took amys car and megan just had to call dylan. so for like 2 hours in down town denver i had to deal with more drunk drama and was just tryin to get us all home. she puked on herself, peed herself and all sorts of shit. she was outta control but somehow we got her taken care of. sam came and got me this morning thank god lol. it was a fun bday for amy though and i got to see my friends :)
i'm starting to feel healthier. i dont have a constantly clouded mind anymore, i haven't had this kind of outlook in a long time. years even.
sam is talking about doing a bar crawl for my bday. i'm still undecided as whether to drink or not. i mite as well it is my 21st. but i told sam that if we do it; i do not want to over do it. i think if we do do it, we're gonna hit the coors brewery tour in the afternoon and then park his car by his crib and ride the light rail and bar crawl and have our friends meet up with us throughout the night.
ohwell thats 2 weeks from now, and if i do drink on my bday, then that will mean i went well over a month without drinking. i have not done that since i was about 15.
talked to john yesterday, i guess we're going to kiewitt on monday now because it's looking like their not gonna be working on new years day. so i'm keeping my fingers crossed that the first monday of the year is a good one. still gotta go down to redrocks to purchase my student id. and i really need to memorize my student number. i keep losing the papers i write it down on lol.
other than that i'm waiting for my old man to come home so maybe we can finally fix my fucking car.
jus another day jus another day.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 29th, 2009|11:20 am] |
tryin to move on. theres girls out there. aprils just trying to rub it in my face. i know it. i know it's making her feel better. last saturday night was rough as fuck. saw her and devin. yeah that did it. i played it pretty well. didn't drink either. im a lil over 2 weeks now without drinking. feels good. almost done with all my bullshit. school is starting soon thank god. she'l miss me eventually. headin down to kiewitt on friday to hopefully get this job. get me my new apartment and get this shit going.
lifes not over yet. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 19th, 2009|11:41 am] |
so i'm planning on writing april a letter here in a few minutes. and i'm having the hardest time starting it. so much iwant to say that i don't know how to say it. so i guess this is a good practice. it's been a rough month and a half. and i find myself no where near being in the christmas spirit this year. my girl is with someone else. we've been talking on facebook. she says she still loves me but i really did screw up. she did say that no one else matches me but she still wants to see what else is out there. this is awful but i made my bed; gotta lay in it for now.
i decided to really put drinking behind. at least until i can get shit all together. which is kinda funny seeing as my birthday is less than a month away.
i jus gotta get her back. i can't even sleep at night. i go to bed and sleep for maybe 3 hours and then wake up and stare at the ceiling misserable all night till morning. and when i lay down, i look to my side and shes not there. its so hard taking that in. im making her a couple cd's to send to her as well.
just gotta prove i am the better guy. this is gonna be hard. but it's gotta be done |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2009|04:59 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | drop dead, gorgeous - in vogue album | ] |
i had to meet up with april today to give her some more of her shit. that was the hardest thing i've ever had to do.
i had so many things i wanted to say but i haven't seen her or talked to her that close since that night before halloween. as soon as i saw her face i wanted to die. she was so pretty too. i did talk to her on facebook. and she did make me feel a little bit better. i think i'm going to put a serious effort into quitting drinking at least until my birthday. and maybe now that i'm goin to school and this quitting drinking thing mite help out. i can't be with anyone else. this isn't like all the lil bitches i've been posting about on here for the past 5 years lol.
ugh.
there has to to still be hope. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2009|08:00 am] |
| [ | music |
| | a skylit drive - wires and the concept of breathing album | ] |
damn it's been a minute since i've updated this shit. i fucked up with april. 2 years down. got a new girl and i'm fucking miserable. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 1st, 2008|09:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
long ass weekend. everything seemed great. till kelly called me looking for pills. ape knew i didn't like that. i knew she wouldn't stop i guess i shoulda known. all i wanted was to see her, and she didn't really want that. they ended up getting the pills from everyone else. and i was all mad and decided to head down the hill and find the party. i ended up going to the foul house. there was a keg and like 20 people. ape's old friend kaylee was there. and somehow i don't even really remember how but me and ape were fighting on the phone and she admitted to cheating on me two weeks ago. kaylee and kelsey told me orignally but i didn't want to believe them. it happened that night before i broke up with april for a week or so. kaylee told me back then that she walked in on april and some random marine dude making out in a kitchen. and i guess they were in a hot tub as well. april told me it wasn't true and that kaylee was making it up. found out friday that ape was lying and it did happen. i ended up drinking like 20 cups full from the keg, played a ton of pong, drank a bottle of vodka and had a ton of whiskey. i got really emotional after that. i started crying in front of everyone in that house. cam, greg and a bunch of dudes downstairs by the table told me that week that i broke up with her she came down and tryed hookin up with a bunch of dudes right away. my friends too; or well i've partied and hung out with them enough to consider them that i guess. it got even worse and i kept drinking and crying. cam actually took me outside and talked to me for like a half hour and was being extremely nice to me which was really wierd but it was really nice. eventually i just got tanked and sick of being there enough to take geuder home and go home myself. after i dropped gus off it just seemed to get worse. i called her still crying on the way home. i startin speeding home like double the speed limit the whole way and eventually crashed on the way home. (had to fix the car today). i eventually got the car home right as the sun was coming up. i slept till like 11 and layed in my bed till like 3. amy said we should hang out so she came and picked me up around 6 and we went down to go hang out with megan and dylan at campus village. it was so hard doing anything. i didn't want to talk much or do anything. i pretty much just stared out the window the whole time. amy and megan did help a ton so did dylan he actually got me to laugh a lil bit. but for the most part i just sat there not saying anything just lookin off at whatever in a trance. amy brought me home at like 1 am and today i just worked for my dad and fixed my car. i feel so fucking numb all over my whole body it's so wierd. i feel so out of it. i dont even know what to do with myself. i can't believe she would do this. 8 months of being faithful to her and honestly actually thinking for the first time in a long time a girl wouldnt do that to me. i should've listend to tyler. all we been through this year and she pulls this. she says it's because she didn't know for sure she loved me and she was testing it. i wish she woulda told me before she did it and that i wouldn't have had to find out from her sister/friends. i can't believe she actually thought about it and let herself do that. and now i really know how much i love her because i can't stop feeling numb like this and wanting to die. the thought of living without her kills me. i don't wanna do it. and the thought of her kissing some other dude or doing anything with some other guy tears me up and i wanna break stuff and i start crying. shes still the most beautiful thing in the world to me right now. especially since now all the memories really hit hard. seeing her smile, laugh.. everything. and the one image i hate to think about is seeing her when she was dressed up for prom. thats not mine anymore. i never should have hooked up with a highschool girl. i knew that would happen. i just didnt want to believe it. just like i knew she did cheat on me but i refused to believe it. i don't even know how to explain how i feel. just numb and tired of feeling like this. it really sucks because i still love her so much and all i want to do all day is call her; but at the same time i hate her with all my soul and just wish there was someway to end the feelings i have right now. i cant. i cant be with her. fuckin waste of 8 months of my life. people say that it's better to love and lost than to never love at all. bullshit. heres another one to add to the fuckin broken heart list. thanks. tomorrow i was hoping that she would be able to hang out with me and help me move all my shit into my new apartment tomorrow. not happening now. actually i dont know if i'm ever going to see her again.
everything i do, see, hear reminds me of her and i fucking hate it. every fucking channel on the fuckin tv has someone kissing someone. and seeing people with their girlfriends/boyfriends right now is even worse. like megan and dylan last night i wanted to start crying in megans dorm room. but i didn't want them to see me cry. i wish she never did this, i wish i could forget she ever did it and we were still together. but she fuckin made out with some other dude who was leaving anyways. that image fuckin really kills. some other faggot with his fuckin gross ass tongue in aprils mouth. i bet she loved it. i don't know why she didn't fuck him. she mite as well have. and this dude had a girlfriend at the time as well. what a fuckin cockbag. whatever. thats the only thing that makes me want to really hate her is she could actually go through that and be cool with it. it's like she didn't even care. she obviously didn't otherwise she would have told me. she would rather stay with me and not tell me. and if she could do that 2 weeks ago, who's to say she didn't do it a couple other times? or that she would keep doing it. obviously her telling me she loved me was a lie. if she did love me she would think about what she was doing and not do it. so once again i guess in a way i feel sorta good about it because just like caitlyn a long ass time ago i know she obviously doesn't have enough control on that sorta thing or actually love me and it's not worth it. but at the same time i don't want to be with anyone else. i dont wanna go day by day without her. i would never have thought of doing that to her. theres been times where i felt kinda like i didn't really love her and thought about leaving her to see whatsup but everytime i thought about her or saw her face or spent 5 minutes with her i knew i could never do that. i wish she woulda felt the same. i guess just like all my friends and especially sam told me thats what happens when you get with highschool girls. her cheating on me has made me feel like i'm not good enough. i guess i wasn't.
i can't fuckin deal with this. i really can't. all i want to do is talk to her. that and die. the past 2 days have been fucking terrible. my chest hurts, my stomach hurts and i dont even know what i'm doing. i'm really spacy. i just want to get tanked and forget about everything and not do anything. but all i can do is cry and feel like shit. i cant get images or memories out of my head it's driving me mad. and everytime i see her smiling at me it goes right to seeing her kiss some dude. how am i supposed to feel okay about that? i was so proud to be with this girl too. i bragged to all my friends all the time. even my family. (it's too embarassing and hard to even tell them what happened) usually in my past i've been with a ton of girls for like a couple weeks or a month and get bored. i would've been totally cool with keeping this one for as long as possible. i guess that wasn't as long as i woulda liked. it doesn't even seem real that it's over. i don't want to believe it is. but once a cheater always a cheater right? whatever. i hope she has fun doing whatever the fuck she does. i want to keep her in my life and talk to her but if i'm gunna end up finding out about her hookin up with someone else it'l just keep hurting me. and i dont want that. so i guess i really probably should just cut off all ties with her.
i'm moving out to my town home with tyler tomorrow. i got a ton of moving boxes and i'll pack my shit up tomorrow morning. maybe a move will do me some good. but all i really want to do is a take a nice dirt nap six feet underground right now.
so once again heres a middle finger for the world. ftw
i dont even wanna stop typing about her now. why am i so confused? i still love her, and wish she was right here with me but at the same time i can also think about her and just ball my fist up and hate on her with my whole soul. it's ridiculous. but seriously looking at the future i dont want it to be without her.
i'm hopeless. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2008|11:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | numb | ] |
| [ | music |
| | a skylit drive - wires and the concept of breathing album | ] |
rough day. gotta new job selling kirby vaccums. thought i could do it. turns out my first day on the field i think it's too much. i wanted to atleast get out there before i felt like this, you know, try it out first before quitting. bad idea, i shoulda just walked out of the orientation.
so i go down there at 11 and find out i'm being put out with pretty much the best crew. the crew leader is like 3 years older than me and he's already getting his own office now to make his own crews and rake in even more cash. we went to heidis, went to their town home and we ended up playing poker, smokin bud and drinkin until like 4. then we finally went out to sell some shit. i go into my first house, my crew leader showed me how it looks in the home. we did sell it. but tomorrow i'm supposed to go out and do the demos on my own now. i practiced the whole thing again tonight with the vacuum i rented out to practice with and theres just no way. i can't lie to people like those fools do. i guess i'm just not good at tryin to sell something. i wish i was. i'm not that good at lying and new people i'm pretty shy with i guess so this didn't work out. it's nothing like customer service at hot topic, sears and safeway. this is a whole different thing.
so once again failure. for real. theres no way i can do this. they even said if you have a hard time selling something to someone and doing it 60 times a month maybe this isn't for you.
so yup failed again. everytime i try to do somethin it just ends up a 360 slap in the face. i've applied at like 300 places in the past 4 months. nothing. this was the closest thing to being something yet. i dont even know what to do with myself. i can't even really get that sad anymore. it's like i've just gotten used to being a failure and it just keeps proving itself over and over so i just feel numb and nothing now. i dont understand why it's so easy for everyone else. i wish i didn't fuck up so bad but thats the past. theres no getting rid of it. it's like once you fuck up once so many doors are closed to you forever. after a few fuck ups even more doors are closed. i feel like i cant get anything going now and theres nothing i can do about it.
sleeping right now is like the best part of my life. because i don't have to feel anything or deal with anything. i'm by myself alone and temporarily at peace. and then i wake up, keep trying keep trying keep trying and keep gettin thrown right back down. how are you supposed to keep getting up?
it's embarassing. so many of my friends are in college or have good jobs or something going for them after we got out of highschool. but i'm still in the same fucking position. still in conifer.
and it also really sucks because it seems the longer this goes on the more scared of failure i am. so i just keep getting numb. i'm surprised i've been able to somewhat open up to april. all the times i been fucked over i'm suprised i've been able to pull out probably the best relationhip i've had since vicky.
you know it seems like the one thing i'm guarenteed to do in this life is fail. its fail 24/7. i'm like 100% concentrated fail. i don't even take hollidays off, it's fail all the time. guess i'm reliable for something. wish i felt like i had some sort of purpose. but i dont. so its whatever i guess.
april also left for michigan today for 10 days. i dont know how i'm going to handle her bein gone so long. i'm already wishin she was here with me. but nope.
i have a probation meeting in 10 hours and 6 minutes. then i'm supposed to go to work at 11. i think i'm gunna go right in after my probation meeting and quit and tell them why and try to make this positive. even though i can't really use this job as a refference because i havent even gotten a week in yet.
feelin shitty. once again. word.
love ya world. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 18th, 2008|01:00 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
| [ | music |
| | this is hell - misfortune album (JUST GOT IT) | ] |
wow it's been a while since i posted haha. um not much to say other than i been dating april since jan 1st this year. i asked her out after it turned 2008. shes pretty much the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. very much in love. um johnny turned into a dick, actually most of my so called friends dont even fuckin talk to me anymore since highschool is out. life is fuckin wierd after highschool. but it is nice realizing whats up as you grow up. um right now i'm tryin to get a job up in vail for this construction thing. wow i kinda wish i woulda updated this thing more over the past year, lotsa changes in life. went rock bottom, up to good, back to way rock bottom and tryin to pick it up again. tryin to start a hardcore band with gus here soon. he's also going to try to join me in this construction thing. i really wanna save up some money and eventually buy myself a nice lil STI. uh today i picked up april, went to the mall with her friends, took them home, went to a family dinner (brought ape with) and then fucked =D, hung out with eric and jaws, then took her home and now im here drinkin and jammin to the new this is hell. yeah i love ape =D lol. i really hope i get this job, i been buyin and drinkin detox tea like theres no tomorrow. oh yeah i havent updated in a while... (became huge stoner). yeah..... ohwell. oh yeah i did get my license back in november 2007. still have it and holdin strong! lol
word well uh yeah update maybe later? i dunno it's been what?.... a year at least? haha
word
oh and p.s. about the friends bein dicks..... i haven't talked to kyle delaney since like 9 months ago. i've called him a bunch.... no answers. i leave messages... nothin. never a call. i guess thats just the way shit goes though right? i really wish he would just fuckin text me or call me or somethin. i see his mom more than i even hear about him..... ohwell. fuckin queer..
word. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 9th, 2007|12:29 am] |
so yeah its been forever since i made a journal entry. um tonight? yeah russ's beday. couldnt find a ride over. getin my license back next week (supposedly_) yeah once again the dmv is feedin me shit. but yeah. and so i called megan as a last resort. bad fuckin idea. she konws how to hit every single one of my buttons and shit hit every one. when we were datin she had this problem and we actually seeked help for this shit.. she was alergic to condoms and sex always hurt. so sex usually ended up bad. but some nights i would really actually get her off and she really enjoyed it and called me baby and shit in the middle of it lol. but yeah i call her otnight and shes like "our relationship was o fucked up" and "sex is so much better now, practice makes peferct right?" and i yeah i know its just to make me feel like shit but it worked. and back then i was on soooooo many drugs 24/7 that i didnt even know who i was half the time. but i do know that i cared enough to try to make it work. and then i met some scene slut that i wanted to try soi got greedy and ruined everything. ohwell. i thought both of us got over it. nope. i know shes jus pullin this shit to make me feel bad and i know she still misses me and thats why she does this but it really does hurt, so yeah she got her point across. so what do i do? drink as always to get rid of the feeling. werd. yeah. it hurts bad though
um markus is goin to kanasas till after christmas, i have to buy a new head for my left bass head. but by the time he gets back i should be in show condiition again and our band will hit it off.
oh i did talk to kyle tonight that made me feel sooooooo much better. i havent talked to him in like 2 months and i ahvent seen him in like 8.
HAPPY BDAY RUSS |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 18th, 2007|06:37 pm] |
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i think im fuckin losin it. shit with megan got really good. we're doin so amazing and im glad we're goin on 4 months now. but seriously life has got me so down right now. fuckin every dumbass lil bitch thinks drugs are the greatest thing ever. its so fuckin gay. honestly ecstasy was fun that time you wanted to try to expereicne something new. today russ was dumb enough to be drinking because kids who he thought were cool were drinking and skateboarding at kingsoopers. sure enough when i come over to talk to them a cop comes up lurkin them. they all lucked the fuck out. whateveri ll finish later |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 26th, 2007|10:58 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | bright eyes lifted or the story album | ] |
gettin the fuck outta conifer. seriously. i dont know why the fuck i came back here. i want my car back, i want my job back, i miss my friends in the scene, i want my life back. i dunno why im such a hated person in conifer now. its wierd how easy it is to fall when you're way up at the top. and its a very cloudy depressing state of mind you are in when it all comes crashing down. when you go from the top to the bottom and hit rock bottom, you don't just get out of it. i feel like eddie right now. i wanna leave. im sick of being an outcast in a town where i used to be king. right now i feel like you hate to love me and love to hate me. what did i do that was so bad? aright i fucked up. sorry. should i put a barrel in my mouth and end it all? would that really be the final satisfaction that everyone needs to have? i know for a fact that if i were to end it all that it would lead to a lot of hurt. i do know that the haters have enough compassion for me left that if i were to up and end it all in a blink of an eye that this whole community that i've grown up in would be devastated. but as much as i would like to have that happen i'm not going to do it. i dont know if anyone knows but this feeling is not normal. i'm growing so cold. alone. no one to talk to really anymore. kyles there but he doesnt know what the fuck im talkin about. no one really cares about anyone up here. its all me myself and i. the only time that i feel like i have peace right now is when im outside at night staring at the sky smoking and thinking or i have my music. i dont know why but i'm sick of my girlfriend for some reason. shes just, i dunno. prom is tomorrow night and i dont even wanna be with her tomorrow night. shes great, she really is. i mean ive had a lot of fun with her, and shes done some pretty neat shit that i appreciate. but at the same time theres somethin missin. i feel like im just now waking up. i feel like once i got that dui last year and i lost my license that i went to sleep and am just now waking up and wondering what the fuck happened. honestly that is pretty much what happened. everything was great. and then i got swept up into drugs and shit, and now that ive been off that shit and not hanging out with those people in it; i feel like im waking up. its neat and depressing. im glad that i know what life is again and who i am but i've lost so many friends in the mean time, i feel like my life has been thrown off the right track and i have to fuckin surmount a million impossible tasks to get it back. last time that i felt awake and content in life was when i was with taylor, i had my car, and my friends in town and i had a job at sears. now because of my choices i am an 18 year old male, jobless, school less, car less, broke, lost tons of friends, have nothin really goin for me, i'm in multiple legal troubles, and im confined in conifer. get me out. please. bring me back to last year so i can be me again. i dunno what i did to taylor. i dont even know why. i lost my car and just didnt call her back. shit is fuckin wierd. wtf happened? seriously. i hate johnny, gus, alex all of them. dom hates me now too. this shit is too much. its so two faced and hypocritical. realizing all this shit every day and having to deal with it is killing me. i cant even tell anyone that me and megan are dating. and she doesnt even seem to care enough to get through the drama we would deal with for like 2 days when people found out. what do i have to do? im just not made for life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 14th, 2007|03:05 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | saosin - show me your booty hole | ] |
havent updated in forever. confused as fuck. kelsey, rachael (i know i shouldnt) gettin my life together and shits workin out aright so im doin pretty good. good shows comin up and perfection is a myth asked me to drum for em. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 17th, 2007|03:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | cdc - demo | ] |
saw job for a cowboy last night and lost all my respect for that band. the drummer uses triggers like a lil bitch. ohwell, the acacia strain was fuckin amazing last night. so was see you next tuesday. im kinda pissed at johnny right now cuz last week i made a vow with him to quit doin coke and we decided that night was the last night and we'd finish together. so i thought we were doin really good not doing it, but then out of nowhere geuder calls sayin they're getting more. that really does kinda irk me. its obvious johnny has no self control. kinda jus wanna put a gun to my head right now. arghgh. and im sick. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 19th, 2006|08:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  ecstatic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | mastodon - blood mountain album | ] |
so yeah, i talked to kelsey last night at safeway. and it went really well and she asked me for a hug and shit like that. word =D. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 5th, 2006|11:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | walls of jericho - no saving me | ] |
yup i knew it. it did fuckin happen. in the back of tylers car. 5 months, and all the shit i did and back breakin for fuckin nothing. so my supposed best friend who knew how much i liked her went for it anyway. i would've been a lil more understanding if someone woulda said something instead of hiding it and let me keep hoping. friends dont do that. niehter do girls that supposedly like you. wow. i just dont see how you can do that to one of your friends, it doesnt make any sense... at all. if he did that to me once he'll pull something like that again. caitlyn seems to be actin like its no thing. wtf. honestly. and she doesnt want this to ruin or friendship or whatever. im sorry but it does. honestly i dont know how they could just keep this a secret when every fuckin person i know knows how much i liked her. how the fuck do you do that??? im glad alex told me. fuck geuder. honestly. how the fuck could he do that? i know why cuz hes just like every other guy out there that uses their fuckin cock to think before their brain. i'm the one that gets fucked all the fuckin time. i dont trust anyone anymore except kyle. thats about it. and baylie. i wish i died in that car wreck. i really do. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2006|11:29 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | bleeding through - ill p.t.2 | ] |
ive been getting this feeling that caityln and geuder have some kinda thing goin on. if thats the case im even more hurt. wow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 3rd, 2006|02:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | numb | ] |
this is the wierdest feeling. numb all over, sober, and i dont want to do anything. this really sucks.i dont even wanna say anything, just sit and do nothing. damn. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2006|01:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the smiths - the queen is dead | ] |
i'm dissapointed. i dont konw what has gotten into tyler and eric. so gueder wanted to go roll and shit tonight. so i hook him up fuckin fat cuz i owed him money. we pull into safeway and eric and tyler kept asking me what i was up to. they knew i got gueder ex and shit and for me. they kept askin when they could find us and where. i saw right through their bullshit, i was like "2 for me, 2 for gueder and 2 for caitlyn and thats it" they shut up right after i said that like they didnt care at all about hangin out with me. and i asked them for a cig and none of them even budged. i used to always do shit for them when i had my license and they diddnt. they dont do shit for me. it really sucks how these drugs have changed my friends. i never thought it would do this. carl said that the drugs havent really effected me like them, but i know it has. its taken a while but i've realized you really dont need drugs to have fun. i can have more fun doing absolutely nothing with my best friends then taking drugs. its true and im glad i've realized it. someone asked tyler last week, "remember when you were dating steph, you wouldnt do anything at all?" and tyler responded "yeah back when i was in slavery to her" that is fuckin bullshit. he loved her with all his heart and thats how he talks about her. i still talk good things about baylie and everyone knows it. we may be broken up, but i dont disrespect her and when i hear of people treatin her bad i get mad. and when my friends call her a bitch, i tell them they dont know her enough like i do. but to flat out say that you were enslaved? wtf is that? tyler always wants me and johnny to pick him shit up but he never does anything in return and he never drives. and eric is always lying and being a dick. i let him live in my house for 2 weeks and i get no thanks. fuck them. honestly i have like 5 good friends and 9403594358430958 acquaintences.
all i need is me myself and my real homes. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 27th, 2006|12:39 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
i just cant give up. theres something that we have that no one else can match. and no one else can see it. not even her. no one else would treat her better. i wish she could see it. but she wont. she'l probably end up with some guys that will end up treating her like shit. she wont see it until shes been hurt a million times and im with someone else that see's that im better than all those others. i would do anything. i honestly would. i've tryed my hardest. i've done everything i've could. i wish i was the one. but apparently im not. i've lost so much hope in man kind. but i'd like to think that there is a hope. but no one realizes it. it's there. i believe it. it just doesnt work the way i would like it to. a lost dream, a lost hope. i just cant swallow it. i refuse to but reality is taking its hold. im being eaten under. and i have to accept it. but i dont want to. at least i will always have my hope. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 26th, 2006|10:13 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 36 crazyfists - all 164 songs i have =D | ] |
last night was fuckin aaaamazing. clifton opened up. they actually played really well this time and i was deffinately into it and i was dancing. catherine was a huge surprise, they fucking own. i was so excited when they finally brought the breakdown lmao. . they were prolly there for scars. we made quite the pit. katie and desa from ranum were there, they took a million pics of me dancing. katie nesbit (the one i used to like) was there. it was fuckin awesome. i've now seen scars of tomorrow 6 times. ridiculous but i fuckin love em. mikey actually smiled at me multiple times cuz he saw me reciting word for word on every song with him. and i got to scream the brick to the face part on the mic from the song horror of realization. wow. and then when he was makin all of us scream "what is real" over and over, the roadies came runnin out on stage and sprayed silly string all over and tackled mikey while he was tryin to scream the end of the set lmao. i got silly string all over me. it was fuckin awesome. i didnt stop dancing all night. i think katie was surprised to see how good ive gotten. after scars' set i went to the booth cuz i saw mikey there. i got him to sign a copy of a cd for me and then i saw joey walkin down to the booth after the show and i got him to sign it too. =D. i must have had googly eyes talkin to mikey about the set. oh well lmao. i finally got to meet one of my idols it was fuckin awesome. and then dont even get me started on 36. holy fucking shit. i have no idea wny they arent huge. the kids went fuckin nuts. and so did the band. they're such good performers. every kid in the house knew all the words and wow. water flyin everywhere. amazing. all the hardcore kids and 5280, 303, and suicide crew left so i was the only hardcore kid left. and for obvious reasons 36 isnt hardcore. fuck metal moshs. i just stood up on the stage singing. i tryed dancin to ill go until my heart stops at the breakdown but some fuckin maggot punched me in the face cuz i was dancin so i grabbed him and threw him across the pit and 3 guys broke up our lil fight right when i was gunnna go kick his ass. ohwell. it was a fuckin amazing show. and i waited around the bus after the show and got to meet brock of 36 and talk to him. i told him not to give up even though they're all gettin old and shit. he was like "yeah were the old guys barely hangin on by a thread but you kids make it worthwhile" and i was like fuck yeah dont give up. honestly 36 is one of the best band musician wise.... ever.
honestly one of the best nights ever, 2 of my fav bands, ive seen scars 6 times now. i finally had my dream of seeing 36 live. signed scars cd, met two members and actually talked for a while. signed 36 poster, talked to brock. wow. fuckin wow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2006|12:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
so yeah, im realy sick. dylans mad at me, he thinks caitlyn rolls weekly now and apparently thats my fault. i fuckin hate the drug world right now. eric is being a fucking dick. tyler has changed so much. its amazing how much those gay ass substances can change someones life. im sick of all that drama going around too. eric needs to fucking go home. im glad hes not at my house anymore. he doesnt have it that bad at his house. his parents call my parents all the time worrying about him even though he doesnt stay here anymore. hes such a lil dirtbag. during band practice the other night, tyler and eric stopped at my house and started taking my dads soda without even asking me. it really pissed me off. geuder was a dick the other night because of that e he took. he was all cranky the next day. i wish i never got involved in that shit. i wish i was still the guy that rarely ever even smoked weed. but its too late, everyone just thinks of me as a druggie. and im not. i would like to think im better than that. but its obvious im a loser. its amazing the lengths ive had to go through to learn what ive learned. these so called friends i have are all over rated and a bunch of dramatic dicks. at least kyle, shane and russ wouldnt pull that shit on me. i feel bad for what ive done to them over this past year. i think im gunna play baseball with kyle for our last year. that should help. i have no idea what happened to me. on top of that shit, im sick, caitlyn has no idea how much pain shes caued me, everyone i know only cares about themselves and the next time they are fucked up, i dont have my license back yet, i have so much shit to do, no job, wow. *holds glock in mouth* |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2006|02:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
so yeah apparently i've been played for the past 5 months or so that ive been trying for caitlyn. all the shit that happened meant nothing. i dont even know what to say anymore. i give up completely. this really hurts actually. dont even know what to do with myself right now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 30th, 2006|05:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | atreyu - this flesh a tomb | ] |
so i had a pretty good weekend. friday, i saw saw 3 with kyle and russ. last night i rolled and hung out with caitlyn. she wanted me to take care of her last night when she was way plastered. we lay on the kitchen floor for like an hour and a half just cuddling. ashlyn got really jealous because i was all over caitlyn like that. im sorry but i cant help the way i feel. caitlyn is always number one im sorry and im not gunna rush into some other realationship where im settling for someone else. i want caitlyn and thats the way it is. i rolled way hard, caitlyn left and i just sat there getting light shows. tyler eric zack and i left with some lyndsey girl who ended up hooking up with tyler. savanna and them came to her house as well and they said that we could all go to the gaffneys house. and of course that made me excited as fuck so we all went over there. as soon as we got there i jumped out of the car and ran to the back of her house and went in downstairs. she was sleepin so i just sat down and eric came in and woke her up and said that i didnt wanna wake her up but i was there. she told me to come in and we layed on her bed for like 15 minutes and then out of nowhere fuckin andrew slager has to barge his drunk ass in and hit on caitlyn and hten everyone fuckin came in and ruined my time. so i got out and left the room and layed down in tylers car. she kissed me goodbye on the forehead and then she went to dennys and tyler eric zack and i left to my house. we went back this morning and i helped her do laundry and cook and yeah we just hung out and yeah. then tyler eric and i went back to my house and slept again. i just got off the phone with caitlyn and it did actually help. its always good to hear her voice. i just realllllllllllllllllllllllllly want her, and i dont see it happening. and she also just told me shes gunna do study abroad thing and go to another country next year. that is depressing. ohwell. good night. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 19th, 2006|04:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | hed p.e. - get away | ] |
kinda mad at caitlyn. i want her so bad and ive been tryin for so long. but this is ridiculous. theres other girls out there that like me. ohwell. she shows no signs of letting me know whats up or breakin up with that fruit loop. so i really do needa get over this bullshit. theres better out there. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 2nd, 2006|07:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | dj alligator project - blow my whistle bitch | ] |
so yeah things with caitlyn are gettin good. first off she didnt get that e becuase eric stole it and gave it to me and geuder, so now i found out where it came from. she was like "I wanted it so i could dance with you and really love you". and i was like god damnit. i felt really bad after hearing that. but i told her i would give her free e whenever she wanted it. but yeah homecoming weekend was fuckin awesome. friday night me katie, geuder, jon, eric and amanda went to amandas we all got beligerently drunk. saturday we all just hung out all hung over. homecoming night me eric and geuder all rolled obviously. and i thought i wanted to go party but once it hit me and geuder we both were like "fuck partying" so me, tyler, katie, amanda, eric and some wierd darryl kid all went to erics and we watched willy wonka. i have never rolled so hard. me and geuder ended up playin techno all night and playing with glow sticks and then we poured glow oil all over the house and it made it glow so yeah we were dancing all night from like 12 to 5 in the morning lmao. today caitlyn came up to me and gave me a wrist band thing she made with a key on it and theres a heart on the key. =D. and yeah... i dont really wanna talk about, just think about it. yeah... but i have to choose between her, katie and ashlyn and honestly no one comes close to caitlyn. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 27th, 2006|11:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | numb | ] |
| [ | music |
| | drop dead - invogue album | ] |
i dunno what to even say. this past year in my life has been a fucking joke. im not acting as who i really am. im known as a fuckin junkie. right now as i speak my best friend is driving around in car in down town denver and he mite even be out of the state right now. a fuckin friend of ours died today. alex is about to fuckin die as well, i tryed calling him and he blocked me. wow. i lost my job, my car, pretty much everything this year. dont even wanna wake up tomorrow. emily keyes is gone. just dead. gone. out of nowhere. dont even wanna think about it anymore, the past few months have been fuckin pointless and and i wonder why i even wake up anymore. i guess its to see what comes next like some kind of good has to come. well it keeps getting worse. i dont even know where johnny is right now im actually really worried. a girl that zack foxx had his first kiss with is dead. she was that one hottie. gone. dead. for no reason. no reason at all. the fuckin pigs wont release any information so here i am in the fuckin dark wantin to know what happened to our friend but i cant know. they wont let us know. fuck that, we need to know. out of nowhere today my ex shows up and as awkward as that is it seemed to just get worse and i ended up bein a dick. in my fathers eyes im a worhtless piece of shit, in other peoples eyes im a worthless junkie, honestly i dont wanna wake up tomorrow. you think you know depression, try dealing with this shit. i would like to erase a whole year or two off my life and just start it over. but i cant. i didnt wanna be a dick today but honstly i felt like crap and i just couldnt admit it. i hate this world, it's supposed to be about us workin toghether, and all i see is people hurting each other and everyones lookin out for nubmer 1. well i dont like that at all, and somehow im getting sucked into it and i fucking hate it. the person ive been for the past few months is not me. i dunno who it is. fuck this place. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 24th, 2006|06:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | merauder - master killer album | ] |
what a weekend. had a great party, saw jackass 2 last night, had a few more friends over to party, saw the rockies game today, went shopping with alex and erin and now im finnaly home. kinda happy to be alone actually. talked to caitlyn like almost all night on the phone last night. and thats bout it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2006|12:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | iscariot - hollowed eyes | ] |
last night was fucking insane, i was only expecting like 20 people at my party max and a keg. well people brought 6 24 cases of keystone, 2 handles of rum, 2 handles of jager, 2 of smirnoff vodka, 1 of bacardi gold, and over 40 people were here. everyone came to my house it was insane. beer pong and music and yeah all night. awesome party. =D word. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 17th, 2006|08:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | suicide silence - ending is the beginning | ] |
so yeah i rolled this weekend 2 times. it was fuckin fun as hell. but i find out that johnny ripped everyone off including his best friend who he prmomised he wouldnt pull that shit on. he told me and tyler he bought each pill for 25 so thats what he would sell them to us for becuase we are "his friends" well bull fuckin shit. he bought 60 pills for 700 which comes out to like 11 bucks a god damn pill. i put down 50 and only got one from him. i called alex tonight at safeway and told him to come meet me cuz i wanted to talk to him. i actually cryed in his car on the way to my house because i have realized that i only have as many good actual friends as i can count on my fingers. they all fuck me over, especially eric, dom, johnny and that lil crowd who i thought were my best friends. the only things they have ever done for me is take my money, ruin my relationships, and never give me rides. when i was driving i would fuckin do everything for those guys, at all times of the day. they wont even give me a ride home. well im driving again in 32 days and i dont think im doing anything for them... ever again. im sick of being used, im sick of them always talkin shit to the girls i like, talkin shit to me on them also, lie to my face, and yeah all that bullshit. im done with it. one year and im outta here in college and i can be with who i wanna be with. i could keep bitchin but honestly im just gunna drop it with them, i dont need to hang out with them. im not feeding johnnys cocaine addiction anymore, he always takes my money and i get nothing in return and he gets all the drugs he could want. im glad i have nothing to do with that shit anymore. i rolled this weekend to have fun with my friends and we did. until i found out how much dicks they are. seriously, the only people i will be with from now on are alex, kyle, russ and like shane. other than that everyone from ctown can suck my cock. im not a fuckin tool. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 14th, 2006|09:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | eighteen visions - self titled album | ] |
so yeah i woulda updated last night, but i was too tired and beat up when i got home. so yeah evergreen terrace was fuckin insane. good show, saw lots of friends i havent seen in like 5 months (due to being back in ctown). <3 evergreen terrace more and more everytime i see em. and of course motha fockin throwdown was headlinin, great show. zao played a great set, so no complaints about the show at all. hung out with cailtyn again for like 5 minutes yesterday until i saw her and billy actually canoodling in the commons, so i turned to tyler and was like lets get the fuck outta here. i dont need her. i actually didnt get that excited at all today when she ran up to me. fuck goin for that. today was just an ordinary day. blah. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 11th, 2006|05:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sick | ] |
things with caitlyn are getting wierd again. last night she got on aim and started talkin to me like she usually does. out of nowhere, she started talkin about homecoming. she asked me if i was going and i said yeah ill prolly go. she asked who i planned on going with. i said i have no idea. she said let me rephrase and then asked me who i wanted to go with. i said her obviously and then she started talkin shit on billy. she started comparing him to me and lots of shit like that. i want her so bad, and all shes doing is teasing me.
now im sick because johnny is a dick. lol. arhg.
ftw |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 7th, 2006|10:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | lamb of god - sacrament album | ] |
wierd how work actually made me feel so much better today. dave and joe let me off early tonight. also dave was like "i know you been lookin forward to throwdown and zao for weeks so im lettin you have that day off." im so fuckin stoked now. hes gunna go to and were gunna fuckin own that pit. other than that life has been driving me into the ground. my friends are two faced and eck i dont even wanna go into it. i hate billy. yesterday caitlyn texted me saying she wanted to hang out with me after school before we both have to go to our jobs. so im waitin in the commons for her and i see her run down the stairs. somehow billy saw me, grabbed her hand and hauled her out of there like she was his dog or something. so i like ran out and just hung out in the senior lot with my friends smokin. caitlyn comes down and joins me. and yeah. it was fun. theres moments where im gettin butterflys next to her. its wierd. and there was this point where her cig wasnt lighting so we put both of ours together and everyone was like silent and lookin at us all close together. after caitlyn left everyone was like "you belong together and your so cute together, did you see that" and yeah. i wish. last night after i got off work at 11 hunter took me to the hookah bar. we hung out there for a while with some scene and metal chicks and smoked for like 2 hours. caitlyn kept sending me texts like "your so cute, im sleepy, i wish you could drive and just come over" and shes always doin that but shes still with billy and says "im so sorry, i wish you woulda said somethin earlier". wtf. yeah works been a bitch, bein sad everyday about caitlyn is a bitch, school, warren tech at 6 in the morning, not gettin my license back for another 43 days, 24 hours of community service. arhggh life. *glock to face* |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 4th, 2006|01:00 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
yeah ftw |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 2nd, 2006|09:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | cranky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | lamb of god - again we rise | ] |
eric gave my weed away. or so he says. im fuckin pissed. zack and i were gunna smoke after we got off work which was 12 30 last night. i had at least a half 8th left and i know that for a fact. he was tryin to tell me it was only a bowl left and that was bullshit. im sick of erics shit. he tells people things about me i dont want them knowing, he lies all the time and now he smokes my weed that i bought just because he wanted some and then trys to tell me he gave it away to scott. speakin of fatt scott i was supposed to go to his going away party last night at matts but yeah didnt really feel like partying. caitlyn went though. i bet she got really drunk and did something. wow. ftw. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2006|10:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | walls of jericho - with devils amongst us all album | ] |
i give up now completely. i guess its just not right for me to be lucky. well not lucky but i guess its just not right to have in the first place. i dont like this messin with my heart anymore. ftw. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 29th, 2006|01:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  scared | ] |
| [ | music |
| | all that remains - this darkened heart | ] |
so im about to leave to court. i hope i dont get fucked. but yeah i probably will. its america. i was sleeping in my car so i wouldnt drive drunk, but i end up getting accused of a dui and thats what im going to court today for. hopefully my lawyer can drop the dui. but yeah its america. where you can still get a dui for sleeping in your car. and where the drinking age is 21 even though you can legally sign up for the army and kill a man at 18. im guessing im gunna get a good 24 hours at least of community service, a hefty fine and yeah. hopefully i dont lose my license longer than these next 52 days. im scared out of my mind right now. hopefully i get a nice judge. i dunno. its not lookin good. im still goin to aa and doin random ba's but i have this feeling the judge isnt going to care. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2006|09:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | eighteen visions - waiting for the heavens | ] |
i've decided im giving up on caitlyn. i have to go to court tomorrow for a petty offence that is fucking me over. im sick of these girl problems, im sick of these friend issues and this conifer drama. i would like nothing more than to get fuckin drunk as fuck like i used to when i felt like this. but its a really dumb idea so im not going to. but yes. i give up on caitlyn as of right now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 26th, 2006|12:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | black my heart - thick as blood | ] |
just got home from work. another 8 and a half hour shift. adam quit today like a lil prick. so once again i was all alone on a night that you need 2 dishwashers. it was fuckin nuts. but dave was like "damn louis your kickin ass and takin names" lol i was fuckin flying. and i had to just to keep it movin. but yeah im makin fuckin bank right now, and i work with the coolest guys ever. joe was actually not a dick tonight. adam ended up showing up with amy at like 11 30 and he was in the back of the car piss drunk. he lied to joe and dave and i was like "hey joe look whos in the back of that car" and they went and chewed his ass a new one. anywho im done talkin bout work today was awesome. i was out in the senior lot during 5th period today and willy walked up from the junior lot with mr king's class and he came up to me and was like "caitlyns gunna dump billy soon and she wants you to tell her how you feel about her". so yeah =D. but even before that, when johnny and i came back to school after lunch she found me and put her ipod headphone in my ear and we walked to our next classes together in the halls and she had symphony in peril playing and she was like "this song reminds me of you" she fuckin rules. shes the only person i know that even knew that band ever existed. and shes the only girl i know that will listen to such stoner music and then bust out some hardcore. its crazy. symphony in peril was one of my favorite bands (before they broke up obviously) AND TOMORROW IS KYLES BDAY =D. were gunna party up at maxwell falls. and caitlyn lives right next to maxwell falls. shes gunna go =D. fuckin word. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 23rd, 2006|11:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | pissed off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | molley hatchet - flirtin with disaster | ] |
fuck joe. im so fuckin livid at him right now. im cool with workin till the god damn wee hours of the night. fuck ive been there past 12: 30 at night. but i like to have a fucking warning so i know what to tell my god damn ride. we close at 9 on weeknights not fuckin 10 15. he was fuckin servin orders at 10. he was makin dave fuckin sautee at god damn 10 pm when we close at fuckin 9. dave is 28 and he fuckin had this look on his face like im sorry louis, its not my fault. and i know its not. joe would fuckin cook pizzas all night if he could. we close at 9 not fuckin 10, customers should be told that. just because joe wants another 10 bucks doesnt mean he can hold the washers and prep cooks that fucking late. i have to wake up at 5 am because i have to be at warren tech at 6 30. here i am just now getting home and yeah. johnny was comin to get me at 10. he shows up and joes like "he'll be out in another half hour" well another half hour goes by and sure enough joes fuckin cookin another god damn pizza. im sick of bitchin about it i have homework and laundry and a shower to fuckin do and get up in 6 hours. im fuckin workin a 55 hour week this week as it is which is 20 more hours than a minor in colorado is allowed to work, ive been keepin my moouth shut about it cuz im makin fuckin bank but this shit cant fuckin happen every night when i cant drive until october and i have to rely on my buddy johnny. the only good part of today was watchin billy meehl fall on his ass on his skate board. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 22nd, 2006|11:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
| [ | music |
| | drop dead gorgeous - in vogue album | ] |
the first day of school was actually awesome. johnny and i didnt have school today until 5th period cuz warren tech doesnt start till tomorrow, so yeah he got me at like 8 this morning and we just hung out all day with our friends. lol we pulled into the senior lot blaring lamb of god - redneck and it was amazing we were welcomed like fucking gods lmao. it was awesome. it was soooooo good to see all my old friends and the girls and even when i came to lunch, danielle was like "find caitlyn she said somethin bout missin you" so that was cool. english is my fav class at conifer by far. mr castillo like knew me and pierson and beth were high. he kept asking us the deep intellectual shit. and we fuckin kicked ass. lol. hes so cool, were gunna be doin so much philosphy and hes the only teacher i know who knows who nich ti is. me and pierson like were like all super stoked when he was sayin we were gunna read his shit. after school i was walkin out and havin a good time with my friends again and then there was caitlyn and yeah we were all excited, and then yup billy meel had to come up and kiss his girlfriend on the forhead right in front of me. ='(. i was just like "uh aight im out peace". and i left like kyle used to do all the time. it was so sad but shit happens. im fine. i know who i like and its not changin. i actually hung out with dom after school. it was crazy. but it was actually cool to be chill with that kid. and its fuckin awesome to be really good buds with johnny again. i even gave him my lighter leash, he should be proud of that, lol i loved that thing. hes gunna come pick me up in like 5 and a half hours now for school, it sucks warren tech starts so damn early. work was also cool except i had to train the new guy and hes so fuckin slow, i wanted to punch him in the gut. i flat out just like took over scrubbin and i got caught up in like 4 minutes and he was like "damn you fly through those things" and yeah of course i do, im not fuckin around and not gettin my shit done which means stayin there past midnight. fuck that. i get the shit done early so its easy the rest of the night and i can smoke whenever the fuck i want. anywho i closed tonight with dave and liz. and dave (coolest oldschool hardcore fan dude ever btw) came up to me and talked to me about moving me up to cook now. im so stoked, and ive only been there 3 weeks, it took eric, chris and hunter over 3 months, but im gunna be startin like this weekend and he said ive been doin a really good job and he pounded my fist. word. 12 fuckin bucks an hour bitch. and like 58 days till i can drive again. arhgghgh. right now im hoping billy and caitlyn break up before homecoming. that would be amazing. fuckin every guy in the world wants her, i should prolly give up, but i really dont want to. shes such a sweatheart towards me and she openly admitted to having a crush on me since she was in 6th grade. lifes a bitch but friends, school and work are goin amazing. so now that i have 5 hours to sleep and do laundry, im gunna get on that. good night. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 19th, 2006|02:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | zao - the funeral of god album | ] |
last night was awesome, except for the fact i put in another 8 hour day at jj's. we got fuckin swamped. i hate the busy nights like that. everyone in the kitchen was pissed and in a hurry. sometime around 6 everyone was like "LOUIE YOU GOT COMPANY" so i turn around and walk out to the door of the kitchen and there i see caitlyn and she hugged me and said that she thought i might like a frappachino that she made and i was like hell yeah. i actually was fine the rest of the day in the kitchen, i was actually not mad lol. after work tyler picked me and eric up and we went and partied at danielles and now im home. blah. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 18th, 2006|09:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | drop dead - in vogue | ] |
best convo ever:
Diablohue36cf [1:53 AM]: whatup
Blazechick6 [1:54 AM]: hey ive been waiting for you
Diablohue36cf [1:54 AM]: :'(i know i feel so bad
Blazechick6 [1:54 AM]: im glad your here i need to calm down
Diablohue36cf [1:54 AM]: we saw the 10 pm showing
Diablohue36cf [1:54 AM]: why whats wrong
Blazechick6 [1:54 AM]: its ok i thougth you had already been on
Blazechick6 [1:54 AM]: shit
Diablohue36cf [1:54 AM]: whats goin on
Diablohue36cf [1:54 AM]: you aright?
Blazechick6 [1:55 AM]: yea im alright
Blazechick6 [1:55 AM]: just need to breathe\
Diablohue36cf [1:55 AM]: you wanna talk bout it?
Blazechick6 [1:55 AM]: i dont know what to say
Diablohue36cf [1:56 AM]: friends? drugs? other shit?
Blazechick6 [1:57 AM]: other shit
Diablohue36cf [1:57 AM]: aww
Blazechick6 [1:57 AM]: well i mean its alright now but stuff thats happened know how that goes.
Diablohue36cf [1:57 AM]: *e-hug*
Blazechick6 [1:57 AM]: thanyou i need it
Diablohue36cf [1:58 AM]: too bad your so friggin far away
Diablohue36cf [1:59 AM]: :-(
Blazechick6 [2:00 AM]: i know
Blazechick6 [2:01 AM]: shit happens. thats why i am who i am today. i will deal.
Diablohue36cf [2:01 AM]: sounds like me
Blazechick6 [2:03 AM]: yea?
Diablohue36cf [2:03 AM]: ive fucked up a lot of my life
Diablohue36cf [2:03 AM]: i hate it
Diablohue36cf [2:03 AM]: but yeah shit happens
Diablohue36cf [2:03 AM]: and yeah
Diablohue36cf [2:03 AM]: here i am
Blazechick6 [2:04 AM]: better than ever
Diablohue36cf [2:05 AM]: yeah i guess im aright
Blazechick6 [2:05 AM]: not too bad, i would say
Diablohue36cf [2:06 AM]: hehe whys that
Blazechick6 [2:06 AM]: you can say that you cry
Blazechick6 [2:07 AM]: you cried with me
Diablohue36cf [2:07 AM]: i used to not be like completely honest with myself or other people
Diablohue36cf [2:07 AM]: and it just doesnt help i guess, cuz lifes so complicated as it is
Blazechick6 [2:08 AM]: to me, its all in your head. it is what you make it
Diablohue36cf [2:08 AM]: word
Diablohue36cf [2:10 AM]: sounds like you had a rough night
Diablohue36cf [2:10 AM]: if i still had my license id drive over there and give you a hug but yeah i fucked up
Blazechick6 [2:10 AM]: when do yu get it back
Blazechick6 [2:10 AM]: fucking people suck
Diablohue36cf [2:11 AM]: late october
Diablohue36cf [2:11 AM]: yeah
Blazechick6 [2:12 AM]: im happy that you are coming back to conifer
Diablohue36cf [2:12 AM]: me 2 i missed you and conifer bad
Blazechick6 [2:13 AM]: me in particular?
Diablohue36cf [2:13 AM]: i had fun hangin out with denvers hardcore scene and partying and seeing all those new girls and friends but i missed c town
Diablohue36cf [2:13 AM]: yeah, lol when i came up to visit that one day you made it better when you ran up to me outta no where
Blazechick6 [2:14 AM]: did i make you feel good
Diablohue36cf [2:14 AM]: yup :-D
Blazechick6 [2:15 AM]: goodO:-)
Blazechick6 [2:15 AM]: because you deserve it
Diablohue36cf [2:15 AM]: aww thanks
Blazechick6 [2:18 AM]: of course
Blazechick6 [2:18 AM]: you need a phone
Diablohue36cf [2:18 AM]: yeah lol im gunna get one soon or im gunna get a shitty pay as you go phone until i get a good one again
Blazechick6 [2:19 AM]: then we can talk becausei have a phone
Diablohue36cf [2:20 AM]: yeah, i need one bad
Diablohue36cf [2:20 AM]: soon though, ill just text you and be like yeah i got one
Diablohue36cf [2:20 AM]: and then ill be happy
Blazechick6 [2:21 AM]: and all the people you can talk to
Blazechick6 [2:21 AM]: yea i will yext you all the time
Diablohue36cf [2:21 AM]: :-D
Blazechick6 [2:22 AM]: 8-)
Diablohue36cf [2:22 AM]: feelin better?
Diablohue36cf [2:22 AM]: i just signed on tonight hoping that you were on
Diablohue36cf [2:22 AM]: lol
Diablohue36cf [2:22 AM]: and its 2 in the mornin
Blazechick6 [2:22 AM]: haha no kiding. here i am
Blazechick6 [2:23 AM]: and i needed you
Diablohue36cf [2:23 AM]: thank god
Diablohue36cf [2:23 AM]: aww
Blazechick6 [2:23 AM]: coincidence
Diablohue36cf [2:24 AM]: damn good one
Blazechick6 [2:24 AM]: that really is crazy. i was about to leave too
Diablohue36cf [2:25 AM]: thank god yo udidnt
Diablohue36cf [2:25 AM]: your gunna be tired tomorrow
Blazechick6 [2:29 AM]: louie
Diablohue36cf [2:29 AM]: yeah?
Blazechick6 [2:29 AM]: nice name
Diablohue36cf [2:30 AM]: lol yeah no one forgets my name
Diablohue36cf [2:30 AM]: louie hue
Diablohue36cf [2:30 AM]: y
Blazechick6 [2:30 AM]: i remember you in 8th grade
Blazechick6 [2:30 AM]: i was in 6th
Diablohue36cf [2:30 AM]: are you serious?
Diablohue36cf [2:31 AM]: i remember goin to church when we were hella young
Diablohue36cf [2:32 AM]: 8th grade was awesome for me though im not gunna lie
Diablohue36cf [2:32 AM]: good ol days
Blazechick6 [2:33 AM]: i just remember you talking to my bestfriend in 6th grade. i think it was you, and some boys who said you sould pay us to watch us make out because we already had and they wanted to se
Diablohue36cf [2:33 AM]: =-O
Diablohue36cf [2:34 AM]: i remember that
Diablohue36cf [2:34 AM]: shit i asked you to do that?
Diablohue36cf [2:34 AM]: im so sorry
Blazechick6 [2:34 AM]: shit that was you!
Diablohue36cf [2:34 AM]: :-[
Blazechick6 [2:34 AM]: i had a crush on you. but you wree a little bit mean.
Diablohue36cf [2:34 AM]: yeah i was.... all of us were that night
Diablohue36cf [2:34 AM]: i dunno why either
Diablohue36cf [2:35 AM]: all of us tryin to be the bad ass i guess
Diablohue36cf [2:35 AM]: damnit i was stupid then
Blazechick6 [2:35 AM]: whys that/
Blazechick6 [2:35 AM]: ?
Diablohue36cf [2:36 AM]: i just wnted to impress my friends so i would do stupid shit like that
Blazechick6 [2:37 AM]: wow that awhile ago. yea you talked with my best buddy and i def.had a crush on you. you showed here your condoms and i got jealous. and then i thougth w you were mean
Blazechick6 [2:37 AM]: hahaha ridiculous i know
Diablohue36cf [2:37 AM]: god yeah i was a lil dumbshit
Diablohue36cf [2:38 AM]: and you actually had a crush on me
Diablohue36cf [2:38 AM]: ?
Blazechick6 [2:38 AM]: not kidding
Diablohue36cf [2:38 AM]: wow... im sorry for bein mean :-(
Blazechick6 [2:38 AM]: i was a 6th grader
Blazechick6 [2:38 AM]: no biggie, you turned out pretty good
Diablohue36cf [2:39 AM]: back then i was always trying to impress beth too cuz i wanted her so bad, so i would do the most ridiculous shit. im glad i dont pull taht crap anymore. who was your best friend back then?
Blazechick6 [2:40 AM]: oh yea and when i was in 7th? you were at mary's and i was over at Willies party, and i was still crushing on you but you thought lily was hot and we didnt talk
Blazechick6 [2:40 AM]: Kayla
Blazechick6 [2:40 AM]: becasue i tried to get you attention. that was when i didnt know you though
Diablohue36cf [2:41 AM]: yeah dude... how did you know i used to like lilly.... wow. ive always thought you were hot, its just i used to ride her bus and yeah i dunno
Diablohue36cf [2:41 AM]: but yea hdont worry you got my attention that night too. kyle and i were talkin bout you that night
Blazechick6 [2:41 AM]: i knew because i was crushing on you when you were crushing on her
Diablohue36cf [2:42 AM]: wow
Blazechick6 [2:42 AM]: have ya really? now or are you saying even back in tha day/
Diablohue36cf [2:42 AM]: damn
Diablohue36cf [2:42 AM]: both back in the day and now
Blazechick6 [2:42 AM]: :-)
Blazechick6 [2:42 AM]: i really did just smile
Diablohue36cf [2:43 AM]: aww
Diablohue36cf [2:43 AM]: yeah to be honest im still smilin
Blazechick6 [2:43 AM]: about what
Diablohue36cf [2:44 AM]: you telin me you had a crush on me
Blazechick6 [2:44 AM]: oh haha yep i did
Diablohue36cf [2:44 AM]: wow
Blazechick6 [2:45 AM]: how is that wow. i didnt know you knew me
Diablohue36cf [2:45 AM]: i dunno, i knew of you, and ill be honest that night at marys, yeah kyle and i were talkin bout you
Diablohue36cf [2:45 AM]: and yeah tahts just wow
Diablohue36cf [2:45 AM]: with a smile lol
Blazechick6 [2:46 AM]: and what was said?
Blazechick6 [2:46 AM]: glad you're wowed. me too, about the smile part
Diablohue36cf [2:47 AM]: ill be honest it was guy talk like "dayum"
Diablohue36cf [2:47 AM]: and stuff like that
Blazechick6 [2:47 AM]: hahaha
Blazechick6 [2:48 AM]: do you still have a little reminisse liking of lily
Diablohue36cf [2:48 AM]: thats when he was crushin on jordanne
Diablohue36cf [2:48 AM]: not really
Diablohue36cf [2:48 AM]: i gave up on that a long ass time ago
Blazechick6 [2:48 AM]: hahahah yea
Blazechick6 [2:49 AM]: i gave up after marys
Diablohue36cf [2:49 AM]: damnit
Diablohue36cf [2:49 AM]: i wish i woulda known
Blazechick6 [2:49 AM]: thats how it walways goes no one ever knows about it
Blazechick6 [2:50 AM]: well not hat it makes much difference but you know now
Diablohue36cf [2:50 AM]: yeah
Diablohue36cf [2:50 AM]: kinda sad stuff but good stuff at the same time
Blazechick6 [2:51 AM]: why is it sad
Blazechick6 [2:51 AM]: well yeah i know what you mean
Diablohue36cf [2:51 AM]: yeah
Blazechick6 [2:52 AM]: im going to go to bed with a smile now. thankyou for that
Diablohue36cf [2:52 AM]: deffinately me 2 so thank you :-D
Blazechick6 [2:52 AM]: i feel better. ill take the e hug until i can get a real one
Blazechick6 [2:53 AM]: anytime and always
Diablohue36cf [2:53 AM]: :-D
Blazechick6 [2:53 AM]: im sleepy
Diablohue36cf [2:53 AM]: well im prolly gettin coffee tomorrow so ill come get one
Diablohue36cf [2:53 AM]: yeah me 2
Blazechick6 [2:54 AM]: i will pretend you huged me until i felt better
Diablohue36cf [2:54 AM]: aww
Blazechick6 [2:54 AM]: because it makes me feel better
Blazechick6 [2:54 AM]: ok i will seee you soon then. ahah
Blazechick6 [2:55 AM]: g;night louie huey
Blazechick6 [2:55 AM]: sweetestdreams
Diablohue36cf [2:55 AM]: sleep well
Diablohue36cf [2:55 AM]: word |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2006|09:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | mi casa | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | watching "big fish" | ] |
so work has been a bitch. last night i did go party for a bit, then me and eric (whitey, not scwabauer) went to his house, drank a bit and i smoked a couple bowls and i wanted to watch fear and loathing and then i passed out and went to jj's again in the morning, came home and ive been relaxing all day thank god. i havent seen caitlyn in like 3 or 4 nights. its really depressing. kelly g just called and asked why im not at her bday party. well for one i actually did forget because ive been tired as fuck lately, and work and all this partying doenst help any. apparently her friend kali who i thought was hot is there and she wants me to come over but honestly i dont really want any other girl. the girl i want has a boyfriend sadly. im around her more though. and that smile i get when i go visist her is the prettiest thing there ever was. damn, i hope i dont have to work tomorrow so alex can take me to see her. even though i think he got a job at hot topic. ew. alex and everyone thinks we should do somethin to billy and i really dont want to, i dont hate him, i'm just jealous of him. its all good though. i took too long. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2006|02:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | LAMB 0F GOD - SACREMENT ALBUM | ] |
just got sacrament in the mail. haha like what 23 days before everyone else can hear it. suckers lmao. i already hated redneck, randys tryin to be phil anselmo and you actually know what hes sayin, i do like the part where hes like "this is a motha fockin invitation" and then that metalcorish breakdown. my favorite song so far is walk with me in hell. its good to see randy is off his politics bashing. good album, but its deffinately not the same ol log that i love. to be honest this album kinda fails. still lamb of god though. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2006|06:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | watching shark week on discovery | ] |
so two days ago johnny decides he wants to go to elitches and of course i go. i go there all the time. he bought a handle of tequilla and and i had an 8th on me so yeah... what a day. we drank on the way down and we got there right at 10 and stayed until about 8. all day long blazed and or drunk. eric even showed up halfway through. lmao we went back and forth to his car and the park like 10 times. i cant believe i didnt pass out in that place. somehow we were able to retain enough energy to handle it. we went to brittas afterwards and partied there. and ive just been takin some needed relaxing time at my house since then. supposed to go do something tomorrow and caitlyn gets back from gay ol kansas in a couple days. thank god. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|05:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | lamb of god - redneck | ] |
so two nights ago i threw a party at my house. eric ended up buyin 5 30 packs of keystone, 3 6 packs of smirnoff twistas and we ended up playin a shit load of beer pong. dont really remember much of it. it was fun though lol. the next day sucked. i was chillin in erics car just relaxing all hung over, i even had my shirt off just enjoyin the ride smoking and feelin the breeze. he was actually gunna take me to aspen perk coffee house so i could visit catilyn. well he was doin about 50 on a dirt road. and yeah sure enough he fish tails one too many on a turn on kings valley road. next thing i know were flying off a 12 foot cliff into some trees and rocks. somehow his car ended up aright. he was freakin out but i told him we all go through it and we all learn the hard way. his bumper fell off and there was some minor frame damage but somehow the car came out almost fine. we had to drive through a lot of forrest to get out but we managed. now im sick and stuck in bed for a while. arghgh |
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diablohue's journal